IF i repeat it enuff i can change it: Joel is an asshole

her silence makes me wonder,
her stare makes ponder
this is not love of that im sure
perhaps its friendship that makes me think this hard
of this torment there must a cure,
something to end this talking barred.

in agony i strain to hear a word
constantly checking for messages
but her sound no more than a flutter of a bird
going through noise filled passages

though i write this poem with no intent
perhaps perhaps she will realise its her
this poem only for my anger to vent
about why my emotions are a stir

wanted to delete the blog. its my reason for keeping things in. but i guess for now im just gonna keep it lean. nothing too touchy.

talked with jasmine. guess i dunno anything about her.

had chem tuition before that. couldnt concentrate at all.

went to the gym before that. felt great but didnt last long.

felt fking lonely today.

tag don tag. it doesnt matter. just stay awesome or whatever u want la.

rachel is right. i should apologize. its the only right thing to do. and talk to jasmine about how i feel abt how i always end up arguing with her.maybe thts the only way. ok. thanks rachel! i needed some advice anyway.

went to the gym today. tell y'all abt it tonight.

okok lol =.= now i got complaints. plenty of ppl love me i know.

i just blog abt how i feel at tht point. im sorry if it sounds so ugh. okok lets talk bout the awesome stuff.

got closer to srini and sanjiv today. we started hangin out again =)
Scott chose me for the first team! me! im so elated tht he did. this shows that im at least worth the bet of winning or losing the match placed on me =)
i have a new chance to find more friends now tht i am more open to people =)
and i got the chance to hangout for the last few months with very cool people =)

i guess life is pretty good =) thanks sheqal! lol u really flipped my mood. i needed that telling off

wassup guys. guess what. ur suppose to say what. say what la. say it! ok good.

well i guess the honeymoon period is over. i guess i would have lost my friends eventually. well it happened. jasmine is angry cos i kicked her bag. well its not that im too proud to apologize or anything. its so obvious that its my fault. but its just that its gonna happen anyway. the angry friends thing. might as well completely break off now and have her not talk to me than have her hate me.

im pretty sure she doesnt hate me, just abit pissed. hmmm for been ting she seems a tad irritated with me o.o but whatevs it is pretty much a sooner or later thing. so everyone hates me now =) its not the first time. prolly wont be the last. but hey. my life sux anyway so who cares right?

hmm so joel's no more in love, has no more real clique, is really really bad at rugby apparently, has almost everyone starting to get abit irritated with him. so you know how much my life really sux.

about the rugby thing. well i dunno wht happened. but i guess i just dont have the confidence. it could be cos im soft or i dont know how to tackle. maybe im just a big stinky pile of loser. haiz.

no my blog has not been hacked by a random stranger. this is what i really think abt myself. prolly worthless. right now i have a feeling tht if i die noone will cry. i wont try to change that. i will just accept it i guess. but i wish i was raised differently. had different characteristics. maybe then i would be loved. but not now. and possibly not ever.

its funny that when everything seems so shitty i dont feel like crying but i can cry over a dream. how dumb.

my tests have been pretty bad so far. i guess i have to study but i have no mood to. i just feel like lying down on my bed and rotting there if possible. the dust will slowly settle on me, and very soon ill be nothing but a pile of bones. haha that wud be great. but i guess thats not happening.

its really sad how my friend can don talk to me for kicking her bag but treat ppl she doesn't like with so much interest. it really hurts. but i guess its my fault. lol but i wont apologize cos this is prolly the push i need to move away from the clique. wen jie was really right. im causing more unhappy sad moments then happy ones. and this will be the end of it. i guess i should prolly remove 'his current clique' from his likes. cos there is really none now. but its too troublesome. perhaps if i have the energy ill do it later.

i seem to make a fool of myself alot these days. doesn't matter tho cos those ppl dont really know me. i find it a chore to always look like suave guy infront of everyone. haha so for me that will never happen. wonder how kiren does it? hmmmm....

anyway thanks for reading my blog. if u love me then i love u too. if u like me then i like u too. if u hate me then.... well thank u. and if ure awesome then stay awesome. ok thanks for reading! pls tag afterwards

happy birthday been ting!

ok now tht thts out of the way. i would firstly like to apologize abt the vulgarities ive been taggin. i wanna make sure that u guys understand im only this aggressive to ppl i don like. like some short ppl who have not grown any pubic hair even when their 17. but hey that explains alot.

so i just discovered or at least just been enlightened that im a people pleaser. i dont deny it. but i do wanna change. but it just seems wrong unless every1 is happy lol. i guess in the process of makin the world happy i made myself UNhappy. thts why it sux.

have PE tomorrow. what a drag. im so shagged. but i cant wait for training lol.

so wht happen today? well it was beentings birthday. one of the more important ones so far. got for her a nice anklet/bracelet thing. hope she likes it.... i dunno we dont talk much anymore. worried for her today. she went to visit a certain person who can really rake up the craziest feelings in her. would really loved to have been there to shield her but i guess she doesn't want it. i still dunno what happened. dont think i ever will lol.

jasmine is super stressed today over chem. dunno why. its ok just relax~ haha erm anling had a tummy ache which was really bad and had to go home. vino seemed tired and abit istant. maybe its her family thing.... hope shes alright.

dunno whats goin on with dian. she seems super tired. she even signed out today. could be just stress but i doubt so lol.

nothing much else happens in my life. i just simply feel that im pretty much alone and the only person thats with me in the dark picture is jasmine with her back facing me. she seems to be able to break through the fog but still i cant tell if she really sees me for who i am, cold, bitter, confused and raw from wounds.

yaya i know its emo. and to passerby and ezra.... go suck on a long long man pipe. its my blog and ill be emo if i wanna.

to ppl who always support me. i love u guys. u r simply the reason i live for. my life wudnt be complete without u guys.

so anyway stay awesome! and tag only if i know you and you dont irritate the life out of me =) thanks for reading!

argued with been ting. sorta. i dunno. shes not replying my messages. i guess she hates me now. doesn't matter i guess. maybe just another person in line. trust me its a very long queue. what hurts is i tried very hard to be her fren. we just don seem to click.

wen jie told me tht our clique has its problems. like there are more troubled times than good times. i wish it wasn't the truth but its prolly cos of me. im destroying the clique. maybe i shud leave. haiz. i wudn't give them up as friends tho. i love them too much. but i think its time to get distant. i need to for them to remain my friends.

its hard now. everything seems like it needs my effort. my friendships, my crush, my studies. its a juggling act. and this juggler has grown a phobia of the balls he juggles. haiz what to do? i dunno. somebody save me~

my life seems like its on its last seam. ive been having really troubling dreams lately. there was one where i was sitting with jasmine in a bus. behind me was my crush and her ex boyfriend. i heard them talking like they love each other so much. i cudn't help it. my jealousy just grew so much. i cudnt even see straight. when our bus finally reached.me and jasmine got off. we went to a retaurant. jasmine ordered. while she and her ex stayed behind for some privacy. suddenly i got a call frm her. she asked me to order some stuff. but jasmine ardy ordered. i didnt know wht to do. tht when i woke up. i cried for awhile then i slept.

i was sad. very. prolly from the jealousy. ugh if tht ever happened in real life i dunno wht im gonna do. i dunno if i wud be able to control myself. haiz.

i seldom remember dreams. but this one seems imprinted in my mind. anyone got any theories on the dream? btw i didnt even talk to her on the day i got the dream.

so anyway keep awesome guys and don forget to tag. thanks for reading!

lol today was a heck of a crazy day.

i argued with my dear jasmine but i guessed we ironed the kinks out so i wont talk bout it much.

guess what, the girl ive been talkin bout has found out abt my feelings. doesnt matter much. nothing much will change anyway. all that will change is our closeness. but in order to stop feeling this way i know i must forgo this unless she doen't wanna.

after that my discipline master called my dad. lol it was about a past incident which i don wish to elaborate on.

i failed my lit test =.= lol like super wtf right? yea i know. but its ok next time ill do better. i promise! lol

hmm so yea my life is a real life drama. full of ups and downs. but today was mostly downs. i dont care la. tomorrow onwards will be mostly ups.

so i was really touched when jasmine texted me to apologize. she told me she normally doesn't do tht last time. she wud onli apologize aft the person talks to her. which why i was so shocked and touched when she texted me sry. it really made me melt and totally didn't feel sad anymore. haha. now do u get why shes so easy to love? shes full of suprises.....

lol so what if the girl knows how i feel? cant do much. cant say much. at the most just talk it out. i dunno haiz. everything is getting so tiresome. except 3oh!3 they seem to nvr get borin =)

so i wrote a haiku:

confusion

confusion and pain
the hardest to never feel
impossible now

*haiku ends*
nice? but i thot abt it at home so i modified it

life

heartbreak,love and pain
the hardest ever to fight
impossible now.

*haiku ends*

nicer? haha y not u tag my blog and tell me ok? thanks guys. i love u guys so much. keep awesome

first of all guys, thanks for taggin.

today i was suddenly blinded by jealousy. i dunno what happened. i just suddenly felt like not talking anyone. and that i felt like bursting into tears. i really don wanna to talk abt today. but lemme tell u what it feels like.

imagine u care for a person so much it hurts. then suddenly they take u and carve ur heart out. it feels so empty inside, u cant feel anything but ur legs going numb and ur eyes starting to give way to tears. u struggle to regain ur composure and u message a friend just so u wont burst into tears

every inch of ur body wants to give up. but u refuse simply because u don wanna show her that u really care. in front of her u don care. u don feel anythk.(hence the url lol.) well it was shit.

i thot i finally got rid of all feelings. but it got me again. i must try harder guys T.T when i quit smokin there was no withdrawal symptoms. this love got me hard with the symptoms. but alas it doesn't matter. she wont love me anyway. she wont care, she wont do shit. shes not my girl shes not my best friend, shes not anythk.

shes not a lyric to a song, shes not the tingle in my skin when i feel a breeze, shes not the only thing i think about, so much so that i cant sleep. shes not anything anymore. shes soon gonna be a distant memory. i must do it. for myself. for me.

lol on a lighter note, i trashed wen jie at pool haha.

ok guys remb to post, but dont ever, stop being awesome =)

GUys! im so sorry guys. i fell for it again. ugh=.= i shud be getting the hint yet i keep messaging her. its not fair. its harder to quit her then to quit smokin. haiz life is cruel. at least for now. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

o yay! tomorrow goin out with my frens: jasmine, been ting, vino, yuan sheng, anling, wen jie, srini, sanjiv to sentosa! weeee ahhahahahaha.

so thts all 4 today. stay cool and stay awesome!

i am predicting tht today will be a stress free day, really nth much to do except tuition later @ 4. so yap =) fun fun fun. but of cos im gonna study abit.

so last night just after i posted on my blog i talked to what seemed to be jamine's boyfriend on msn. im not sure cos he was using jasmine's msn and could be jasmine faking me.... i was abit hostile... but what can i say? i was just evaluating him.

he was pretty arrogant tho and i had an inkling to put him down a notch or two.... still dunno if i will yet... but i ardy got his address. but i doubt so la. i don wanna make jasmine sad. but if he wasn't with her mind u i wud ardy have payed him a visit haha.

he seems like the adip kind =.= ugh.... but as long as jasmine is ok with him i guess im ok too... what else can i do right? hahaha.

so ill update my blog maybe tomorrow or tonight cos like i have a dinner. its my grandma's birthday! so ea. omg... haven't gotten my mom a present for mother's day yet! maybe i just buy her a magnet or something. ill just get her something nicer for her bday.

so im gonna go off now.but before that i wud like to thank all the ppl whu read my blog and like tagged. ppl like daniel, jasmine, been ting, peyton chanel tang (i love her full name so i use the full version), darryl (my cuz). u r the reason i don cry at night =).... ok la maybe abit too emo. u r the reason ppl invented the word friends =)... ok better

but ya i know its really difficult to read a blog with absolutely no pictures. ill get my camera up soon and i show u all a couple of fotos ok? haha

but until the next post, pls tag after reading... and definitely don stop being awesome!

so i have been goin on and on abt her.... nvr really blog abt my life. well i made jasmine and anling a card each to cheer them up ever since band got bronze.

i bought sheqal a boquet of flowers for his bday and some cadbury =) i love him! haha.

jasmine and i had a one on one lunch today. i feel that it let me understand her better =) such an awesome girl..... boyfriend better treat her well or else.... haha

aft that bumped into anling near bubble tea at west mall. wanted to give big edward a hug but got a mega nippleizer... but in the spirit of manliness i didn't give in and took in the entire 5 second nipplizer and hugged him. =)

so anyway heres something about a girl i dont like anymore. but its some stuff i wrote on a piece of paper while 'studying':

i cant understand why i love her. i know she'll never be mine. yet the simple lure of a better time draws me toward her. she will probably nvr know how i feel abt her. how i can do nothing and just wait by the phone for her replies. how i can think of a million reasons why she shudn't reply me. and more often then not she does. how i laugh when shes happy, cry when shes crying. stay silent when shes feeling depressed.

perhaps its her aura that draws me and her personality that locks me in. everyday that i do not see her is simply a toture. everytime i watch her walk away is like a petal of a rose falling to the floor and i know by the time it reaches the bud it will never be the same. i give my all to her yet she only lets me in just a lil.

just enough for me to scream for more but not too little to make sure i dont give up. she is a drug. shes my heroine. shes my estacy shes my ketamine. shes my life, shes my shadow, shes my emotions. yet at the same time im her nothing, im her insignificance im her leftovers.

its not enough for me to feel this way. perhaps it will be if she knew, but she will never, i will not allow it. forever i shall suffer in silence, looking at the elegant cloth float in the wind, screaming words of wisdom. but like the cloth, she will not listen, she will not hear, she will not notice me. for like the fragile cloth, to her, i do not matter.


hahhahahahah. stupid right.... that was like 2nd may. like wtf la =.= glad i moved on or i will be like above. as long as i can hold out, i will never be the same =.=

ok so i let u guys read a really personal thing of mine.... which my mom almost saw. thank the heavens she didnt!HAHA so anyway i let u read smthn really personal so do me a favor can?

tag after reading pls! but most importantly.... stay awesome =)

HAhAHAHAHAHHAHAHA guess what happened friends and acquaintances! okok today i messaged her. i sent some pretty mushy stuff and was like being a stranger with u is like losing a sis or a part of myself. awww right? she just replied something totally out of point and ignored my super mushy comment =.=

so we messaged somemore till an abrupt stop. and she like started asking me if i needed to report to school tmrw. i was like, ok joel don get too close, short emotionless replies. then suddenly shes like, Joel are u ok? i was like woah o.o

then she was like ill get u some chocolates. then i was like triple woah o.o but then i thanked her but refused. then i was like FUCK!!! did i just fuck it up? (sorry ben ting) then suddenly it dawned upon me... i was extremely happy haha

so then i realised that i moved on! hahaha i don even care if she finds out that i liked her. hahahha. like wtf? so its a new joel now! no more caring about her anymore. no more loving her. tomorrow i give her the last present till her bday. no more caring for her. no more anythking. no more mr sensitive and no more mr nice guy

hahahahha watch out world here comes the new Joel!!!!

tag after reading pls! stay awesome!

first of all i wud like to apologize for being abit rough in my last post..... but it was how i felt.

so now i realised its time for me to become much lower profile ardy.... i was prolly never the center of attention but im guessing ive been somewhere ard there. so i decided its time i moved to a new position in life. its time i moved to become the guy who helps ppl. alot. but not with carrying stuff all tht la =.= thts a given. maybe more of the kind tht helps u when u r in trouble.

i don wanna b noticed anymore.... its time i blend in. if i fade far enough into the background maybe ill be able to look at the world in different perspectives. if u cant tell... im pretty diff at diff times. sometimes i command the attention sometimes im just so quiet ppl nvr ever hear me talk. what can i say? i just don like attention when im alone. all i need is the attention of my friends occassionally and im more than happy =)

so today i guess i really pretty much sort of got over her. i didn't talk to her much.... only during one of the periods i gave in to my heart and talked with her a lil but even then i did not enquire abt her day or anythk like tht. im glad but im not happy. im not happy cos i didn't get what i want.

when i was younger i used to get everything that i want. now i cant get most of the things i want. so it really hurts me sometimes. especially when it comes to girls.... tired of the sick ass ah lians. cant give a fk abt them.... i just wanted some1 decent. lol. but i guess it just wasn't meant to be.

even tho i dont talk to her, i long for her.... its like imagine u bought a new car without a license or a driver. u smell the leather interior, u polish the car, basically u 'love' the car. but u will never be able to drive it. thats roughly how i feel just that she not a car. lol and she can talk instead of the vroom vroom sound.

its now 1 am and i feel like im missing her ardy. i gave in to temptation and messaged her. nvr got a reply. prolly cos she is ardy sleeping. but i cant really tell. and honestly, i cant really care. even if i get a reply it probably wont make a change in any one of our lives. ill just be the awesome guy friend and thts all ill ever be.

today in gp class i made jasmine cry =( she says she isn't angry anymore but i feel so bad =( i love her too much to ever hurt her intentionally. same for been ting and anling. perhaps its just this instinctive male thing to feel protective... lol. but hey God gave guys abit more muscles for something right?

so today i tried to sorta plan a gathering for me vino been ting and wen jie. i feel i am roughly the most distant towards vino and been ting. as in i talk with been ting but i dont understand her. in the end it became an outing for our entire clique. and then we realized that 4 of them cant make it. so in actual fact its just adding yuan sheng=.=

i think we gonna go on monday to prolly bishan park for a picnic. i think im gonna cook for them. haha. chicken chop anyone? i hope to really know them better. i want us to be tight.... not allow a loopie for anything to go wrong.

its not tht i didnt wanna invite jasmine and anling. its just that i guess i understand them abit more then than the rest. just that maybe anling is abit of a wild card haha so at times i cant understand her

jasmine's file was in pretty bad shape so i guess im gonna buy her a new one tommorow. i learnt abit more abt jasmine's r/s with her bf today. haha. he seems like an awesome guy and i wont mind meeting him. he treats her so nicely its unbelievable... i doubt theres a soul tht can match up to him in terms of compatibility with jasmine.

today sheqal told me smthn abt the past with him and tht girl. im not naming her cos of sheqal, not that i don like her. i cant believe they were so close.... if i were him i wud freak out if she went with another guy. but hey.... i guess thts why i love him so... all for his cool and calmness

its been a tiring last few days, constantly up till 1 am just to do homework. im starting to feel the heat ardy, but don worry im not gonna give up. never.

so its like 1.10 am now and i gotta finish up. so in conclusion:

1) i managed to grow a lil more distant to her. but in lessening the pain of losing her, im losing her a lil by lil in the process =(

2) im planning a picnic to understand been ting and get to know vino more, same objectives for wen jie and perhaps yuan sheng =)

3) i got to know a lil more about jasmine today of which im happy, i treasure her so and wud never want to hurt her. and never want to see any1 hurting her

4) i learnt a lil bit abt sheqal today, again he is one that i treasure alot, i love him as much as i love jasmine. so if any idiots try to do anythk funny... ill give u something to really laugh abt in heaven.

5) ok it wasn't up there but this love is obviously friendship =.= alot of ppl like to think alot of things in our school so better clear it up.

so i guess thats about it. thanks for reading my blog =) be sure to tag before leaving ok?

P.S. All the best to band for their syf tomorrow, or actually later today. come on, do ur best ok? i know u will do us proud

i told my friend that i liked that girl today. the response was mellow at best. she seemed to have already saw this coming. i guess everyone pretty much has. thats why it hurts so much. cos every1 knows and makes a big rucus over such a small thing. woah a guy likes a girl.... that never happened before =.=

i got really really bored and sick of everything... i begun to decide i have to move on. so from now on im not gonna message her. chat with her normally and no more playing around. its time to move on!

though i feel its time to move on, my heart doesnt want to. as i fall asleep my heart screams for her. as i look at my phone, the empty inbox cries outloud to my soul. as i hear her talk about other guys, my eyes hide themselves beneath a viel of green

many of u will say that joel is a pussy for writing such things. well u can take ur views and shove it up ur ^ss. cos i don give a f*ck about what u say anymore.( thank been ting cos she doesnt like me using vulgarities)

if i could ever wind back the clock, i will somehow make sure the doctor says im sorry but ur baby doesn't have any emotions. he cant feel. why does God give us hearts if noone will love us? its like a 'gift' that keeps on giving

till now she doesn't know.i like it that way. as long as that remains unchanged my heart is only ripped out 50%. cos i can look at her normally and hang out with her normally. right now, thats all that i need to feel contented.

dont getme wrong,everytime she talks about another guy i still feel like finding him and bashing him till white brain juice drips or everytime i hear someone made her sad i feel like taking the person and hanging him/her upside down till his nose bleeds. but moving on means i can no longer feel that way. easier said then done right? haha i know. i know.

so thanks for reading my blog! i appreciate it. don be like sheqal and make sure u tag my blog if u read ok? thank you!


p.s. nope i totally dont like peyton. shes my friend and we will definitely stay tht way.

yesterday went swimming with wei tat. thats about it. nothin much happened. but i found it really hard to concentrate. sometimes i dont get why she wont let me in. perhaps she already knows about how i feel. or perhaps she just doesn't care. i find it so hard to care for a person like tht. but in any case she is my fren first, crush second.

figuring her out has started to wear me out abit. sometimes i dont know anymore. i dont know anythk about everything anymore. most likely have to avoid her on monday. i fking promised myself not to message her. but fuck. i broke my own promise to myself. now again its landed me being torn apart.

why do i keep doing this to myself? i just keep tearing myself up. should have known that noone can ever love me. im just a doofus who cant learn from lessons. ill prolly die alone anyway. no diff. cant take it anymore! haiz.

jasmine ur ipod still with me =.= thanks! it helps my depression alot

So guess who i went out with yesterday? Peyton o.o lol. didn't think she wud come =.= just ask her for fun. so it was me joseph and her. before we met her, me and joseph went to thai express. i had soft shell crab with curry. mmmm. but walao u should see my face when got the bill. LOL. to clear this up.... im not reach... pretty much as poor as they come la lol. so...on with the story...

we met up with peyton and i was so worried that joseph and her would be awkward around each other. but in the end it turned out great and they sort of clicked a lil.

we cudn't get tiks to see wolverine in plaza sing so we went to vivo. again our escapade ended in failure. so i had to think of something to entertain my friends. so we played what everyone would enjoy. the shopping game!

i pretended she was my fiance and we walked into a jewellery store( lee hwa) and i told the guy, my price range is in between 1500 to 3000. hes eyes lighted up when i said that! lol. but first we found her ring size. size 9!!! what the? fat fingers man..... then we saw a 0.34re karat one. but i knew my 'darling' loves perfect ten. so we took a look at the one carat. i could see her eyes sparkle(tip to sanjeev: if u gonna propose buy the one carat. she will def say yes.) but when i look at the price tag, even my fake rich guy facade got a shock. 35k! in the end we took a look at a 0.5 carrat one. at least it was 13k. aft that we left haha. u shud see the salesmen's face. he was abt to cry haha.

we went around having super fun shopping for things we cant buy. went to buy perfume. i think i liked the coco chanel one. i not sure if peyton agrees tho lol. aft that we met JASMINE!!! we went to ben and jerry's to makan. it burnt a hole the size of nebraska in my pocket haha.

after eating, we went to jurong to buy apple strudle for sanjeev. haha. hoped he liked it cos i fell in love with it. then we went to east point. went to burger king and waited for sanjeev. while waiting we talked about my insanely large pores =( haha

so after meeting sanjeev went home with joseph. thats abt it.

some interesting sidenotes: anling slept for more then 15 hours o.o
jasmine went off before strudle to meet a friend.
joseph was relatively quiet.
peyton helped a random malaysian lady get in contact with her bro.

so thts abt it! thanks for reading my blog ok? haha stay awesome!