hey guys. i know i promised to blog but i havent. tho i doubt many ppl care, im really sorry anyways.

i wont take the trouble to list down one by one what happened so far so ill tell u main bulks of interesting stuff.

on 25th july, it was trishas bday. i had darn loads of fun. its the first time i felt so carefree in awhile. i really needed that day. really really needed it. it was awesome, we fired up a barbie, and got trisha's angkong siao cuz to cook for us. he did it really well too. he used to be some zhi cha stall chef or smthn. aft that we cut the cake and let her open the presents. i guessed she liked them. i mean wei tat did buy for her an agnes B. bag.... wth bodoh..

aft that we popped open a bottle of $200 wine. ugh so beautiful. its like drinking the mona lisa. just thinking about makes me want more. hahas. the guys wanted to play indian poker with the wine.... i demanded that they didnt. instead we use the vodka and ended up using dares for indian poker. i kena the first one to have to do the dare. it was to strip to my boxers and jump in the pool. lol. i guess it was the wine that made be do it. and down i went. into the deep abyss.

btw. the pool that we jumped in had someone drown to death before. its at cardiff court so yea. but no la i didnt see a face staring at me or anythk hahas. then after that one by one all kena the pool. it was dang fun and seriously what i needed to gimme a fresh start =)))) thanks trisha.

yesterday (29/7)
had rugby in the afternoon. it was a bad day. i sprained my ankle during pe and was gonna go rugby anyway. guess wht? shoulder popped. hurt like a mother. almost as much as the first time. akram was a real ass abt me popping it. but i don give a fk. sometimes its just liddat.

went makan with sanjeev, peyton, sheqal, rohid and hafidz(not 09s2). had lots of fun laughing and stuff *whhhoooottttssshhhh*

today (30/7)
nothing much happened except in evony but i don think i will talk abt it here.


the after effects of the part are still workin i guess. im feeling more crazy and more jovial then ever. hopefully it stays tht way. until then take care guys!

*warning: this post will be slightly emo and joel will resume regular fashioned posts after this one. if u hate and/or feel queasy from reading emo stuff pls close window/tab now. thank you*

so lets start todays post with what happened yest (22/7):
Didnt go school. just wanted some time alone. life since MI is spiralling and spiralling to new levels of low. i understand why people get so depressed in MI now. my grades suck. and when i get good grades it feels only the tiniest bit good. it doesnt matter anymore. everything feels bad. even good things feel destructive. i often find myself asking what did i do to deserve this.

i took an mc at 12.30 didnt wanna take a bus home. suddenly felt liek a walk. so i took about a 500m stroll back. then i decided to circle the neighbourhood a few times. i passed by place of memories. places i played softball, studied. anything and omost everything..

halfway thru, i passed by the day i officially became hardened. a place where i learnt what life as a triad is like. i saw the place i got chased by three 30+ yr old men armed with knives and brought along at least 30 underlings. it was a crazy day. i became hardened. no more a wannabe, i didnt take life for granted after tht.

but when i looked at tht spot i didnt vividly remember the fight. all i did remember was that that was my first day on the phone with her. the first time i talked to her, the first time i blown off a couple of ahlians to talk to a girl i barely knew. did i know she was special? i dnknow. did i want to blow off thos 3 girls? hell yea.

perhaps its just me being stupid. yea it prolly was. but hell, stupidity felt good. but it didn last long. and sadness and realisation ALWAYS sets in. why the heck? i don not know. perhaps thts the way the world turns. happy, angry, sad, depressed, suicide. yea i guess it does work like tht.

as i strolled further i met wei lun. the dumbass who i scolded twice. at tht time he was a stranger. but about a month after the second scolding i was introduced to him. don really like him. but i guess i wont shun him or anythk. fagged with him or like 10 mins. got to know ea other a lil bit. and then he had to go. i continued my walk. it was long peaceful. and somehow i seemed happier alone than accompanied by friends for the very first time.

i wasnt built to be an island. i know tht. i will def go mad in my own thots. my thots are deep and destructive, thts why i need ppl around me. haiz how life deals me such cruel hands i do not know.

as i reached home i realise tht if i die i prolly wont be missed. it doesnt matter. i wud like ppl to forget me anyway. thts the only good tht will come of my death. forgetting.

ill blog abt today tomorrow. so stay awesome and tag aft reading ok?

hey guys. thnx for reading. haven posted in awhile. lets start with saturday:

went amk to meet weitat. erm these are the ppl i saw and talked to: Tecksoon, weitat, edwin, yicao, ah boon, nicholas, sabina, yin kee, ah gong, xiao ben, ah seng and ah liang. got a couple more i forgot. ps. LOL. edwin become stronger. and alot of ppl say i lose weight. YIPPEE!!

lol apparently edwin wan me go lok kuan... but ah liang damn strong lah.... cross for what... aiya see how ba.

ah gong nvr see for awhile im glad hes ok...

now sunday:
basically out the whole day with parents. b4 tht had math tuition. then whent heart of god church with family. then ate at astons then went for phys tuition.

Today:
went school its 20/7 btw.... saw daniel lanjiao haircut HHAHAHAHA.
wen Jie's bday. HAPPY BDAY WEN JIE!!! hahas... he was abit lonely without yuan sheng i guess. but overall i guess he had no withdrawal symptoms.

me and srini not supposed to play mother today. withdrawal symptoms unbearable siol. we ended up playing father. then decided aft 12pm was long enough and we went full steam HAHA.

after school met weitat and trisha. super fun la. haiz i wish i had all the money and time in the world. i surely hang wit them.

while in hougang mall bumped into peyto. funny sia kenna maligned as my free hugs personnel. sad. right now who gives the best hugs?? maybe shud make a ranking

Huggers: 1. sheqal
2. peyton
3.Dian

aft tht lazy put LOL
then aft tht go mama shop. for fun go take chips and a bottle of water. haha train my 'bravery'
FUNNY SIOL....

Anyway i gotta chow. tag ok guys? thnx

hey guys. guess what i did yesterday? well maybe i shud start frm the start of school. in the morning till 12.45 i played srinis mother. except for MT period which was spent playing with jasmine's pencil box and stoning. aft school went with the tamil guys to take 157 then 73 back. aft tht, i went to get ramily with srini.

went home after ramily, got changed and then went out with gary. we wanted to watch harry potter. but it was only me and him. DAMN gay right? so i called good old peyton chanel tang. then we caught the movie together. i got front row seats =.= what to do. harry potter lei.

b4 movie ate chicken rice and dao hui. totally crapping there and joking around. just laughing basically half the time. just tht gary is a lil more quiet then joseph but i believe they still were pretty ok aft tht.

after the neck breaking movie we went home to catch the last bus. so sorry i made u go home on ur own peyton. nxt time if not so late ok? ugh.... i feel so bad. girls shudnt go home alone at midnight =.=

aft everything i went home, crashed and dreamt of something important. VERY VERY important. i really felt like crying when i was awaken by my mom. too bad i don remb haiz. dang chem tuition. o well.

so anyway thanks for reading guys. don forget to Tag ok? and in case u have not noticed i dont use stay awesome anymore. but still do ok?

hey guys. well i guess ive been bloggin too much abt crap. today i went to school cos my crazy friend decided to go teck whye lane on his own. the bugger must be crazy in the head. luckily the guy wasnt in school. or else gg. but the bastard never keep me posted. keep me worrying the whole day.

i went amk with towfiq to get his mc chopped. then after that met yicao and the bastard. went far east. met trisha, junhao and shu hui. talk slack then i chow.

went home. now waiting for my mom. her bday today. and alot of ppl bday oso. ok thts it.

no,=.= im not gonna talk abt feelings. cos im emotionless.

hey all. thnx for reading yea? i really love it when u guys read. keeps me going.

I don get it u guys? y cant i feel the way i did in sec sch? i had only a few frens but it all seems blissful enough. nowadays its just worry worry worry, emo emo emo, mood out mood out mood out and then play srinis mother. it gets really tiresome.

Wanna know what it feels like in class for me now? i turn to srini and i play his mother, he plays mine. i laugh, he laughs. its all like a dream, complete with the cloudy-dreamstyle frame. but as soon as the laughter stops and i turn around and then it all fades away instantaneously. my frame melts away. the sides slowly start to darken. i don see any good side to anything. i see the ppl ignoring me, avoiding me. i see that i dont know who to trust. i look around and then realise theres noone beside me. i then turn to the front. put my head down and hope to never see that again. EVER. but i always see it again. whenever i look up, whenever i stop laughing.

WHAT THE FUCK CAN I DO??? i try not to let it get me down. the daoness and shit. but its not fucking working la. i dunno sia. what can i do? haiz now its the perfect time for song 3 on my blog. save me by remy zero

Thanks for reading guys. stay awesome

hey guys. first of all i wud like to apologize about the layout. i cant get it changed cos my old lay out is stored in my lappy which is as good as dead now. dang blue screen. but ill change it once its fixed ok?

well as u can see, todays topic is what i feel very strongly about. what people expect me to be.
right now, many ppl expect me to be things that are small parts of me but not really me.

All the pai kias expect me to be some fucking fit fighter who has girls wrapped around his lil finger. unfortunately im not fit nor do i have girls.... Jasmine's clique expect me to be some calm guy who is like funny at times and has very strong control of feelings and a good listener. Jihan expects me to be some guy whos in love with this weirdo. hahas perhaps that is the furthest from my real self

Rugby ppl expect me to be some fierce car. Trisha will prolly expect me to be the funniest guy now, cos of today.

now im not hating on u guys or anything, to be fair this are all the lil parts of me that i show u guys. and it varies depending on my mood and the ppl im talking to.

But i wud like to apologize if i dont live up to these expectations. i do love you guys so, but pai kias, sometimes im just not a fighter cos i really dont like hurting ppl in a position that is in a disadvataged position. gimme 5 against 2 any day, me being the 2 of course. and i don have many girls round me. they're all frens.

Jasmine's clique... i really dunno. i feel u guys want me to be something but i really dunno wht. perhaps maybe i do my best to be genuinely interested in u guys. but sometimes my feelings get in the way =( i cant be tht way all the time

Jihan... IM NOT IN LOVE!! lol =.=

Rugby, i do feel scared =.= and im not that big LOL

Trisha & gang. LOL im really quiet at times oso u know =.=

so in case u guys see me being something youre not really familiar with, well most likely thats just me in another form.

at times im funny, outgoing and spontaneous. at times, im the direct opposite, quiet, reluctant and speechless.

interested in why i got such drastic personalities? well its cos im naturally quiet. but after reading the game, at times im loud, and spontaneuos and worst of all, darn fucking funny. and pai kias raised me to never back down, thats why i stare at ppl with tattoos and shit. thats why at diff times im so damn diff.

well thts abt it. i really appreciate the fact u guys took the trouble to read. please tag ok?

most importantly, S-T-A-Y, stay awesome! wooo!