*warning: this post will be slightly emo and joel will resume regular fashioned posts after this one. if u hate and/or feel queasy from reading emo stuff pls close window/tab now. thank you*

so lets start todays post with what happened yest (22/7):
Didnt go school. just wanted some time alone. life since MI is spiralling and spiralling to new levels of low. i understand why people get so depressed in MI now. my grades suck. and when i get good grades it feels only the tiniest bit good. it doesnt matter anymore. everything feels bad. even good things feel destructive. i often find myself asking what did i do to deserve this.

i took an mc at 12.30 didnt wanna take a bus home. suddenly felt liek a walk. so i took about a 500m stroll back. then i decided to circle the neighbourhood a few times. i passed by place of memories. places i played softball, studied. anything and omost everything..

halfway thru, i passed by the day i officially became hardened. a place where i learnt what life as a triad is like. i saw the place i got chased by three 30+ yr old men armed with knives and brought along at least 30 underlings. it was a crazy day. i became hardened. no more a wannabe, i didnt take life for granted after tht.

but when i looked at tht spot i didnt vividly remember the fight. all i did remember was that that was my first day on the phone with her. the first time i talked to her, the first time i blown off a couple of ahlians to talk to a girl i barely knew. did i know she was special? i dnknow. did i want to blow off thos 3 girls? hell yea.

perhaps its just me being stupid. yea it prolly was. but hell, stupidity felt good. but it didn last long. and sadness and realisation ALWAYS sets in. why the heck? i don not know. perhaps thts the way the world turns. happy, angry, sad, depressed, suicide. yea i guess it does work like tht.

as i strolled further i met wei lun. the dumbass who i scolded twice. at tht time he was a stranger. but about a month after the second scolding i was introduced to him. don really like him. but i guess i wont shun him or anythk. fagged with him or like 10 mins. got to know ea other a lil bit. and then he had to go. i continued my walk. it was long peaceful. and somehow i seemed happier alone than accompanied by friends for the very first time.

i wasnt built to be an island. i know tht. i will def go mad in my own thots. my thots are deep and destructive, thts why i need ppl around me. haiz how life deals me such cruel hands i do not know.

as i reached home i realise tht if i die i prolly wont be missed. it doesnt matter. i wud like ppl to forget me anyway. thts the only good tht will come of my death. forgetting.

ill blog abt today tomorrow. so stay awesome and tag aft reading ok?